Wouldn't you love to say this to someone?

Hahaha... Received this today. I wonder when I reach a ripe ol' age similar to this lady - will I be able to say it out without getting anyone offended? Afterall, people will then tend to dismiss me as a cranky old lady with too much time in her hands. :-p

Squeeze it!

Oh Gosh! This is just too funny not to be shared (not to mention a good de-stresser from work... hmm... there's still 3 people around me... what's wrong with these people!)

Satire - When China's President visits USA

I received this really funny comic satire on US's debt situation. It's actually quite bad considering it could be us next! Malaysia's debt is so high that my son will be working till old age & yet will not be able to pay that debt the government seem to be putting us in. Why should it matter to them when their children are already PRs of other countries. Sigh...

There's more. Check out at : http://www.fropki.com/obama-vt43507.html

Where Does Women's Money Go

I received this funny video the other day. I think they should do another 1 for handbags.... ;-)

The King of Pop Died!!!!

Unbelievable! The King of Pop Died! I mean the Legendary Michael Jackson! When I read it at 7am this morning, I thought it was an internet hoax (again.....)!

Like Ms. Storm said, she never expected to be able to see MJ die in our life-time.

I understand what she meant, cos' it's juzz beyond us to imagine tht a legend wud die (if at all), whatmore before us. Amazing tht he tried so hard / so many ways to remain youthful looking (like sleeping in a pure oxygen chamber - coffin like if u ask me), and yet died before actually turning old & wrinkly.

Call me sick lar... but am interested to know how he wants to be buried / cremated / hung over the clift of some Himalayan outcrop & left to "embalm" in the freezing weather / a huge musoleum with Terracotta figurines of Elizabeth Taylor (during her younger days) & his many "children".... I know... sorry... It was really nasty of me.... can't help it!

I used to like him a lot.... Beat It! Billy Jean! Thriller! etc... but post Blood on the Dance Floor..... errr.... let's just say his music & looks really veered off (actually looks wise, it veered off earlier... Still ok @ Thriller - dracula teeth & all). *I swear I'll be "visited" by him this evening if I continue on this "nasty" note.

Ms Storm also updated me tht Farah Fawcet died yesterday too... In her own words "what kind of crazy Thurs is tht huh?" Died of cancer after battling it for 2-years...

Funnies in the Court Room

I know it's totally weird to post e-mail fwds in blogs, especially when we already have tonnes of junk in our Inbox, but this is too good not to share. Some funnies in the courtroom :

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan! ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ________________________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Goodness me! This is a good 1....

Najib's New Cabinet

Recently someone sent me this e-mail saying that she's attaching the pix of Najib's new Cabinet, so naturally I assumed it's the new Cabinet of Ministers appointed yesterday... Hmm.... Can't wait to find out. Until..........

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Some people ar.......

Always check your child's homework

This is so adorable. Goes to show how an innocent expression from a child can be misinterpreted by "dirty" minded adults.


Apparently this lady's daughter has to draw out what she wants to be when she grows up & this is the drawing:

Upon receiving a letter from the teacher commenting on the above picture, the mother respondedto the letter as follows:


Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

What It Takes to Impress a Woman vs a Man

I was laughing reading the following... Seem to fit hubby's behaviour...

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN ( ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ? )
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV.

Upgrade from Boyfriend to Husband

Oh this is too good not to post on my Blog....

Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife


Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limitedmemory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Part II : Why Are There No Sitcoms on Accountants?!?

Auditor
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Auditor, noun: an accountant with a grudge.

Contents
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
2 Evolution of Auditors
3 Characteristics of Auditors
4 Auditors and Reproduction
5 Becoming an Auditor

1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
Auditors are a species of nomadic mammals, who came to Earth from the planet Debitor in the1960s. Auditors are paperivores, and hunt in packs, known as audit teams. Each audit team is part of a bigger tribe. There is much tribal rivalry and situations are subject to change as large tribesseek to exterminate one another, but at the time of going to press, the ruling tribe in the audit world was PWC (Pricks with Calculators).

An audit team typically changes its hunting ground every couple of weeks. Hunting grounds normally take the form of offices, but may also include factories, shops, schools and hyperspace. Any place of work is a potential source of nourishment to the paper-hungry auditor. All audit teams have a leader, who runs ahead of the pack in search of an audit trail. Should he find something suspicious, for example a file that has not been organized in alphabetical order, he will begin baying to attract the attention of the rest of the pack. Once the pack has a sniff of the scent, they are released upon the unsuspecting company, and tear around the offices of the internal accounts department, hunting out similar transgressions. When they find another offending item, they will let out a characteristic whoop of delight, and fall upon the filing cabinet, tearing the paperwork to shreds with their bare teeth in their eagerness to devour it.

Audit packs have their own dens, known as home offices. The pack visits the office on average once a month, in order to refuel on stationery. Auditors can survive several days and nights without water, sex or sunlight but are liable to fall seriously ill if deprived of paper clips and yellow post-its. These, along with Tippex, are considered special delicacies. Tippex is particularly high in nutrients,and swallowing a small bottle of correction fluid before breakfast is widely believed to have beneficial effects on an auditor's digestive system.

2 Evolution of Auditors
Among laypeople there is a common perception that auditors and accountants are the same thing. Until 4 January 1972, this may or may not have been true. Before this time accountants and auditorshad rested secure in the knowledge that debit was the side nearest the window. This is the firstcommandment of auditing, as given by Journalus Creditus and is believed by all auditors with adeep religious devotion. On this fateful day, however, Pricks with Calculators opened a brand spanking new den in the centre of London. Due to a tragic misunderstanding with the architect, a terrible mistake occurred; namely, that the building was constructed on a corner. The result was that the office now had windows on two walls. The accounting world was thrown into a dark and terrible confusion and a dreadful schism occurred. One group believed debit was the side nearest the window overlooking the high street, whilst the other could not be shaken from the conviction that it was the window overlooking the multi storey carpark. The matter was referred to an independent government committee, who eventually ruled that it was indeed the high street facing window. Those accountants who had believed in the multi-storey carpark were distraught and flew into a violent frenzy with much wailing and shredding of papers. They felt so embittered that they vowed never to perform any constructive book-keeping tasks again. Instead they swore to roam the earth in search of other people’s book-keeping mistakes, in an attempt to dull the pain of their own unforgivable error.

Initially they were content just to detail the errors in Audit Reports. The recession of the 1980s, however, meant times soon became lean and it was then that the custom of consuming erroneous paperwork was born.

3 Characteristics of Auditors
Whilst auditors come in both genders, males outnumber females in a ratio of 2:1. There is a good evolutional reason for this since the first thing a trainee auditor must master is the art of double entry. It is customary for large tribes of auditors such as Pricks With Calculators to send their new recruits on month-long residential courses to practice this useful skill. For obvious reasons of practicality, only one female auditor is required for every two men.

In general, the best time to spot an auditor is during the so-called Audit Season which runs from January to April. Auditors with their distinctive pin-stripe plumage will be present in large numbers in all major offices, factories and places of work. If you think you have seen an auditor, approach with caution. Avoid making eye contact, as this may be viewed as antagonistic. Should the auditor begin to behave aggressively towards you, asking what proportion of your contingent liabilities you consider probable, the best advice is to shout "Enron!" and run very fast in the opposite direction. This will make the auditor in question shrivel up and die.

4 Auditors and Reproduction
Stocktaking is a strange version of foreplay peculiar to auditors. The audit pack will arrive at an industrial site at 6am in the morning and demand to know how many widgets they have. The auditors will then spend many happy hours counting the widgets and comparing their results to the figures on the company stock system. The more unexpected discrepancies that they find, the more sexually aroused they become. If at the end of the day they conclude that the company has been overstating their widgets, they will spontaneously orgasm en masse and begin to practice their double-entry by way of celebration. It doesn’t have to be widgets; it could be grains of sand. So long as its something which there is absolutely no value in counting, it will do the trick.

5 Becoming an Auditor
In order to become an auditor, it is necessary to pass the initiation rites of the ICAEW. There is a common misconception amongst lay people that these initials stand for the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England and Wales. In fact, they represent the Institute of Calculator Addicts and Excel Worshippers. Trainee auditors spend many years at auditing colleges, where they study diverse subjects including BF (Better Filing), BM (Being Miserable) and FR (Finding Romance). In order to become officially qualified it is necessary to achieve a high pass in BF and BM combined with a bad fail in FR.

If reading this article has made you feel you would like to become an auditor, you are advised toseek immediate psychiatric help.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Auditor"

Actual Meaning

Someone sent me the following & I had a good laugh... Quite a way to de-stress... :-)
Enjoy....

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes U up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth..
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

A Day At The Spa

Yesterday, Gangsta Mama, Storm & Myself went to the Andana Spa at Glenmarie. We bought some vouchers at RM120 which includes a 40minutes massage, free-flow food & drinks (which includes fresh fruit juices & Haagen Dazz Ice-cream), usage of the spa facilities (i.e. jacuzzi, steam bath, dry sauna etc) and the lounge area (with Astro, DVD players, flatscreen TVs, magazines, recliner sofas) - not to mention the royalty treatment!

As usual, when there's Storm, there's Blog material... I shudder at the thought of the length this blog is going to be in documenting our girl's day out... :-)

Firstly, on friday, when we plan on the Spa outing, I mentioned to Storm that I'm planning to bring my own massage lotion & asked her whether she wants to bring her own. She replied "Will cooking oil work?" with a wicked glint in her eyes (& an equally wicked smile)... Jeezzz... She's getting from bad to worse!

• Oh & I should also mention that towards the end of the outing when we were dipping in the jet / jacuzzi pool, she said "If I offer RM200 & dare you to bring the cooking oil for the massage, will you do it?" - trust Storm to come up with such questions... Anyway, I asked if I actually need to use the cooking oil in my massage; of which she replied "Of course! With RM200, it's more than enough to clean your back after that!" I think I rolled my eyes... & replied "Yeah... & pay thousands RM to clear the acne that formed on my back!?!"

Secondly, we agreed to meet at around 11am. Naturally Gangsta mama & I arrived relatively on time, but apparently Storm sms-ed Gangsta mama that she'll be late & will arrive around 12. Okay... since the spa facilities is under repair in the morning, we decided to eat & chat first. 12 o'clock came & Storm is still not in sight. Gangsta mama called her again & was told she'll be coming around 1-1.30pm. So we continue to chat & read some magazines again, enjoying the comfort of our sofa. When the clock strikes 2pm, Gangsta mama finally said "Fern... Your turn to call our dear Storm." Just about that time Storm appeared with a huge embarassed grin. As we thought, she woke up late... sigh... :-p

3rd highlight - After having more snacks & the quorum is now complete, we then went for our massage (since the spa facility is just up, I don't want to be the 1st to try if we'll be electrocuted - so safer to go for the massage first! LOL). Upon entering the room, we found 3 lady masseur - 2 slim ladies of China nationality & 1 local but about nearly 1.5-2 times my size. Gangsta & I got the slim ladies & Storm (just her luck) got the bigger sized lady!

We were stripped (quite professionally I must admit... we lie face down & extend our arms over our head, with minimal effort, they pull our loose camisole of our bodies) & our short was pulled half way down to expose our butt (yeah... they massage the butt too, but not the most comfortable of all places). The masseur was just starting for a few minutes when I had to turn up to speak to Storm's masseur cos' she's the only one there who can speak Cantonese & English (I'll explain the significance of this later...) The massage was good & all of us agreed that the massage on the neck & head region was SOOOOO Heavenly!

After the massage, as usual, Storm has her say of the experience (knowing Storm, I must warn that nothing should shock you by now... expect the most outrageous). Here goes:

• I asked if the massage was ok for Storm since she got such a huge lady! My first impression was she would break Storm's bones. Storm's reply was the usual unconventional "Yeah! When I was told she'll be massaging me I was thinking - oh boy! She sure hope she's not a 'les' used to the masculine role!" errrr.........?
• "I got a little worried when I felt a drop of cold liquid on my butt! Oh no... I hope she's not drooling over my butt!" (since she has the wild imagination that her masseur is a potential 'les') someone really needs to do something with Storm's imagination! Gangsta mama? any suggestions?
• Remember when I told you at 1 point I spoke to Storm's massuer? Well, the first thing Storm asks after the massage was "Oh yeah! Did you see my butt when you looked up to speak to my masseur?" in a rather indignantly (a feigned one) I must add. double errrr......? Why in heavens do I want to peep at your butt Storm? Unlike your active imagination & assessment of your masseur - I would much rather remain straight thank you...

4th incident... We were watching the King & I - the Yul Brynner version. Both Gangsta mama & I agreed that Yul Brynner is definitely the more dashing & royal version of the King of Siam as opposed to the many other remakes / versions of the movie. Storm commented that it goes to show that her previous remark that footballer Zidane is "handsome" is not too far off the mark then... Since both Zidane & Yul Brynner are bald! I think both Gangsta mama & I gave up at this point...

Well Storm... Thanks again for the blog material. I hope my blog doesn't get banned despite some 18+SX stuff that you commented on. =)

Oh and before I leave, I would like to add that at the start of the spa, we have agreed to ban on topics related to Voldy. Despite our best efforts, Voldy is still being discussed sporadically. However, I would like to congratulate ourselves for being able to stop having Voldy from entirely invading our de-stress session & belief we have achieved what we came for. We're thoroughly de-stressed. Belief it or not, by the time we left, it was around 9+pm! That's a total of about 10hrs (at least for me... am really milking all my RM120 worth! =p).

Girls... We really should do this more often... Wouldn't mind extending the invite to the rest of the gals... Do tell me if you're interested & will make sure to call when we have another of our Spa session.

How Chinese Multiply

I received this video & can't help posting it on my blog. Really interesting (though I can't verify the claim that it is from the Chinese) :

Interesting isn't it....

When my firend sent me this video with the title "How Chinese Multiply" I seriously thought it's a documentary / a research on how Chinese "Multiply" as in increase the Chinese Population. I then found out that it's actually referring to "multiplication" as in maths.... :-P

hahahahaha.....................