Private Thoughts

I have secret thoughts & feelings that I keep to myself of which I am still in state of self denial but am trying very hard to recognize the errors of my thoughts. I think so far I have only shared this once with someone I trusted, but even after verbally expressing it, I have neither the courage nor the mental strength to mend the errors of my way. So, I'm trying the "therapeutic" blog writing to recognize the negativities of my thoughts and hopefully by recognizing them in writing, I may heal myself mentally, emotionally & re-build bridges that I have inadvertently burned in my moments of blindness. Though I do laugh & have my moments of fun, but I really can't help feeling empty, sad & a part of me "dying" inside. I feel like a totally different person from the one I use to be. I start to realize this change after the miscarriage that to this date I am unsure has happened. To start from the beginning, I found out I was pregnant towards the end of January 2005, just a few months after I got married. Or at least that was what the GP told me & what the tiny strip of pregnancy tester show me with the 2 visible lines. However, possibly due to the stress of travels during the CNY that year & stress at work, I started to have spottings. It finally ended with a trip to the Emergency Ward of a hospital because I started bleeding sometime past midnight. I guess what traumatized me to this day was the treatment I had at the emergency ward. There I was scared witless & ready to cry any moment... a lady, possibly a trainee MD cruelly & unemotionally tells me that it is just my period & I was not pregnant in the first place. I'm just kidding myself & being excited over nothing. I was shocked speachless that I was unable to scream my protests or complain of the insensitivity of the Dr. The rest was a blur of embarassment trying to explain in my limited vocab of Cantonese to my mother-in-law of what the Dr said & that I'm not even sure now if I'm pregnant in the first place. Though she didn't say anything & maybe I was just imagining her expression due to the unstable state of mind I was in - I can't help feeling that my in-law must be thinking I'm such a fake... A woman who doesn't even know she's pregnant or not & now doesn't even know if she's just had a miscarriage. We went to get a second opinion from another Dr in another specialist center; which assured me that the chances of me having a false +ve in my pregnancy test is highly unIikely & it is highly probable that I did have a miscarriage. Irregardless, I felt uncontrollably worthless. I keep telling myself it is just me being too hard on myself. I should not blame myself for what has happened... Miscarriage or not... but I still find myself re-counting the "what-ifs". What if I did not travel to Thailand for my business trip What if I found out earlier so that I didn't misunderstood the bulge as fat but a growing foetus & thus stop squeezing myself into a tight garter What if I did not travel long distance during my first month of pregnancy What if I did not scoff off the idea that women in her first 4-mths of pregnancy are myths I was indeed tormented by this thoughts for some time but did not let on even to hubby dearest. Then it gets worse when my sister-in-law got pregnant... Then my best friend got pregnant... Then a colleague of mine who got married 2-3 years after me got pregnant... Suddenly almost everyone around me are pregnant! When my sister-in-law got pregnant again with the second child, I started to break down & cry in front of my husband whenever he tells me we need to go to a family dinner / my sis-in-law is coming to visit... I can't even face meeting her, because it reminds me of my own "barrenness"... It was then that I start to recognize & got worried about my mental health. I think I may have scare my husband with my outbreak as well. This recognition came to me only mid last year, after about 2+ years of denial & thinking that I'm ok. 2+ years of not being able to look at my sis-in-laws' first born without feeling the loss of my own unborn child. 2+ years avoiding / talking to anyone who is pregnant / has delivered as it reminds me too painfully that I can't experience the same joy of motherhood. 2+ years that I did not contact my very best friend in highschool... I can't even bring myself to send her a congratulatory message or call her when she informs me via sms that she has just delivered a healthy baby girl... It is with this recognition that I start to approach a gynae. I know I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is not the end of the world, but does hamper my chances of getting pregnant. I'm not sure if I have fully recovered from my self-inflicted mental agony, but I am trying... I'm not even sure if it is serious enough to require a visit to the shrink... but I hope by releasing more of my thoughts, my frustrations, my negativities, my fears & be selfish by talking nothing else but about me, I can become whole again... One Day... I'm grateful to my friends & my husband, but I also know that to pull through, the effort still lies with me. After writing all this down, I'm not even sure if I want to publish such private thoughts... but then again, maybe it is a good release & a sign that I'm ready to move on?... So it is with this thought in mind that I post this Private Thoughts - albeit reluctantly...