Last Sunday was my 4th Cheng Beng with the Tang's family. I remembered writing in my blog last year with mix comments from awkward feelings to life's lessons that my sis-in-law bestow on her daughter.
The same as last year, my mum-in-law prayed for a grandson - hopefully fr me (cos' I have no kids at all so far & I'm the youngest - so still of child-bearing age) & my sis-in-laws (both have a daughter each). Stress again.....
I remembered a Taoist priest once told my husband - the reason why there are no grandsons in this Tang family so far is because the Ancestors are not happy because the ones doing the praying and offering to the Ancestar altar at home is always the female of the family. The men don't.
I also remembered a story that my uncle once told me about his sister-in-law who periodically goes to the ancestral graveyard & curse the ancestors saying "If you don't let me strike lottery, I'll NEVER come & pray / provide offerings EVER AGAIN!!! What's the use if I don't have money to buy your offerings!" and on and on she went.
Put these 2 stories together, my over-active mind concocted the following "evil" thought:
Wonder what will happen if on Cheng Beng, I go to the graveyard & started cursing "You @$#%*#% you!!! Year after year I faithfully come to pray under the sweltering sun bearing heavy offerings with all the men in the Tang family & you dare to complaint that you don't get offerings from your men folks!? On top of tht you want to punish us by making me childless & my sis-in-law without the son tht the society is pressuring them to have! If offspring is 'granted' by show of filial piety, then why my youngest sis-in-law (by rank, not age) who has never joined a single Cheng Beng trip, has a daughter & I have none!! If I have none before the coming Cheng Beng, well - expect another daughter-in-law of the family to boycott this event & not come next year!!"
(note: Not tht I prefer sons over daughters. But tht was the expectation of us.... sigh....).
Naturally I did not scream all these inner thoughts out on tht day. That would be asking to be divorced!!
Wow! When I think of it again - that's a lot of negative energy!! I know it's some old wife's hocus-pocus tht can't be believed... But the fact tht I can even think such a things does indicate my mental health. Do you think I need to get help before it's too late? I feel ok, but to a person in trouble, you're always ok... **shrugs**
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